Welcome to Fern's Homestead

Do You Feel Alone? Does G*d Seem Far Away?
Has Anybody Else Been There You Ask....??

Alone in the Fire?

I was pregnant with Philip when we moved to college and had Hannah as a tiny toddler. I became very depressed, Hannah was ill and kept being admitted to hospital with severe vomiting and pain, but they didn't know what was wrong.

Philip was born and lived his first few months as a very ill baby indeed and doctors and hospitals became a way of life as did sleepless nights and days. For 6 months, even with sedation, they wouldn't sleep longer than 2 hours max. Philip eventually underwent major surgery to correct a bowel malformation which could have killed him at any time. But by this time we had lost our house, John had failed his exam, and I had had glandular fever from which I've never recovered.

We prayed sooooo much and nothing changed; the unremitting pressure continued until I became convinced that God hated me and was going to wipe me out. The church we were attending, when I asked them for help, threatened to have the children removed from us and said we must have sinned terribly for God to punish us so. There were many other things too, but I am just setting the scene for you.

I was so ill by this time and unable to function ~ I felt I must surely die. No one could endure this, or so I thought.

God Speaks in My Darkest Hour

One night in the middle of the night, when ~ miracle of miracles ~ all were sleeping at the same time, I went into the kitchen wanting to die. I ended up crying to God, "Oh God, why do you hate me so much, why can't you even bare to look at me?" Some words came to me, and like one in a trance, I went to bed, and for the first time in months, slept for 5 hours undisturbed.

The next day was Sunday and we struggled to church. Someone stood up very timidly and said she felt God wanted her to read something. She then proceeded, to my astonishment, to read the words which had quietened me the night before!!
It was Psalm 13.

Well, I can't say everything was hunky dory after that, because it wasn't, it was very hard. But, God placed a seed in my heart that day, and over the next few years, that seed was nurtured and watered and as that seed of hope began to take root in my heart, it started to displace all the bad growth. It sent it's roots deep. That seed that was sown then, has not been visible for such a long time, but I have had a knowledge of just being held while the storm raged around me, and I trust that that seed will start to bear fruit. I have had to "put to death" a number of things over the years, which I believe, were choking the growth of the seed, and I must daily tend this garden, because the weeds grow back again so quick when I am not vigilant.

The Desert Places

But what does all this mean for you, you ask? I believe, when we are in the wilderness like you are right now, that the barreness and emptiness we see, is the state of our soul because God is at work. The weeds are being pulled and cast out and we look at the land and think, "This is bare and barren", but we do not see the seed planted deep in this soil, which needed the ground cleared so that the sun could warm it and the heat could begin its germination, and the seed begin to grow.

I know you feel you are a lone voice echoing in this desert, but God is working in the secret places. He has not abandoned you, He has not forgotton you. He truly will work all this out for your good and for His glory. We must set our mouths to praise Him and to remember the ways in which He has shown Himself trustworthy. We must tell our spirits that we will yet praise Him, for He has been good to me!! It is an act of will, enabled by a gift of grace, not of ourselves, for it is all of God.

He is not ignorant to your distress beloved. He weeps with you and suffers with you and longs for this trial to be over for you too, but His word will accomplish that which it was set out to do. I have no idea as to the reasons and explanations why, I just know that He has promised to never leave us or forsake us. He has promised to never give us more than we can stand.

Let's Agree Together in Prayer Beloved

Thank you Father that You never give us more than we can take. Thank you that You provide streams in the desert and rivers in the wasteland. Help us to see and drink deep of Your streams and immerse ourselves in the rivers of Your love and comfort and refreshing. If it be Your will, Lord, restore health and strength to us even now. Remove this sickness far from us and bring us rejoicing into Your courts. Lord lift up our head so that we may see Your glory, open our mouth to declare Your praises. Make our feet like the feet of a deer to run and rejoice on the heights. Oh Father, restore to us the joy of Your salvation. Lord place Your hope within us and let Your joy be like streams of living water flowing out from us to touch a lost and needy world. For Your sake and glory I ask it Lord.....have Your way Lord, in Jesus precious Name I pray.

Amen.